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Spent today doing absolutely nothing.  How many more days am I going to waste like this?  I suppose there are plenty of things I could be doing, but I just don't feel like doing a single one of 'em.  I've been feeling sorta low the past few days.  I haven't been entirely myself lately... just a more melancholic version of myself. I'm glad I started this journal though.  I need the catharsis.  For too many years I have let my thoughts and feelings remain safely tucked away, hidden  from judgement or rejection.  I have feared them for most of my life. I fear them less now.  I think everyone fears judgement and rejection to some extent, even if they proclaim not to.  It is only natural to want to feel accepted, wanted, and liked. 

Over the years I have observed much.  People who don't really know me say.."oh you're so quiet."  What they don't know is that my mind is anything but.  It never stops.   I tend not to vocalize my thoughts.  I don't like feeling vulnerable.  I've seen what can happen to those who are too verbally forthright.  I picked up this habit of internalizing long ago.  I guess criticism beget it.  I then formulated that it was best to keep my desires and dreams to myself until I knew I could really trust someone.

I feel different.  "Be not conformed to this world:  but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."  I spent New Years with my family.  I was invited by a couple of people to spend it elsewhere, but did not.  Not for anything against those who extended the offer... I appreciate their thinking of me, but because I would not have been comfortable in the atmosphere.  At one time I would not have seen anything wrong with it.  But now...my mind has been renewed, and I see the world through a different set of eyes, aided from divinity on high.  I still falter and all is not as it should be.  But I am not where I used to be.  And with His love and patience, I will be what He wants me to be.  I want that more than anything, although my flesh would tell me otherwise.  I need to be with those who are different as well.  There aren't any individuals who are my age at my church.  Sometimes I feel very alone.  I love my church though, and I love my pastor.  Perhaps I should join an organization of some type where I could meet those of like mind and spirit.                

To those who read this...I have never been more honest... though I could be more so.  My soul is naked (hehehe)-- at least somewhat.  Somethings should be left to ourselves.   I need to feel vulnerable.  The only way to conquer your fears is to face them.  If you think me odd, I care not.  Such is the way it should be.  We should be free to express our longings and desires...fears and needs...without worry or care of criticism.  This is my New Year's Resolution.  Shall it serve me well for the rest of my life.

God Bless

~Miranda~                

Jesus, I will trust You to keep my heart safe in Your hands until You appoint  the time of its release to whom You deem worthy. 

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Today was rather uneventful, as what seems to be the norm as of late. <sigh>  Ah well, I suppose that if I had a plethora of activities on the agenda, I would be longing for the same simplicity and ennui that I am currently lamenting...Such is the course of life for us fickle creatures.

I made up a new stupid little song yesterday which Jiffy (an odd, ironic nickname for my sister, as she is usually anything but "jiffy") found quite amusing.  (We are sometimes easily amused.) Well, here it is:

(Sung in operatic style:)

I've got a ma-gic catfish in my pocket.

I've got a catfish with a lock of golden hair.

I will take my catfish and dance in the moonlight.

I will take my catfish and braid its golden hair.

 Hehehe...

Jiffy sometimes calls me Cuddles the Magic Catfish, so I suppose I decided to compose a little diddy based upon that theme, on the spur of the moment.  Don't ask me where the heck she got that one from <lol>...I have learned over the years not to question her little eccentricities, but rather to appreciate her for them.

Well, lethargic and slightly melancholy, I am signing off.  Prithee, think me not insane...hehe